I know you don’t understand the sickness that overcame me that took every sense of hope from my body. I didn’t intentionally want to be an alcoholic. I never meant to hurt you. If you felt unloved, know you are indeed the best thing to have ever happened to me. I wish I could sit here and say just loving you could have cured my sickness. My mental illnesses didn’t give me that option. They stripped me of any self-will and thrived on my weaknesses. I could want to be better, but wanting something doesn’t get you better. Getting the right help gets you better.
I’m sorry I should have been stronger, but my sickness told me I was weak and held me in what seemed to be a never-ending pit of overwhelming depression and pain. I couldn’t even love myself, which in turn kept me from showing love to the ones that loved me. My depression told me I’m not worth love, that I’m nothing but a drunk and that It’s just a matter of time before I kill myself. Sadly I wanted that release. I wanted not to feel anymore; I wanted the pain to stop and the memories to fade away with my last and lonely breath. Suicide seemed like a cure, again another lie from depression. If only I found the right help sooner, then maybe things might have gone differently. It’s hard when you don’t know the proper treatment to get. You focus on one issue but ignore the problem that caused the issue in the first place, but finally with a desperate cry for help. The right people were placed in my life to help me, and they saved me. I got the right therapy for my depression and PTSD. I got put on the proper medications. I even begged to be placed on extra medicine to get me severely sick if I was to try and drink. I feel better. I still struggle with addiction, depression, and PTSD, but I work on them daily. I ask for help when I feel a certain way. I’m not ashamed anymore of my mental issues. The stigma out there about mental health tells people suffering that they are horrible and broken people. Broken, we maybe, but not bad people. Somewhere in a workshop, we are carefully being put back together to become a masterpiece of overcoming strength. We then become a voice for the ones still suffering. We can tell our unique stories of hope and let others know they are not alone. My beautiful and amazing children, may you never be held down by the depression that this world may give you. May my struggles guide you and mold you, to provide you with hope when there seems to be none. If you fall, I will be there to comfort you because I know when you fall, it’s so hard to get back up. I love you forever and forever always