If all I see are these fucked up dreams, then what’s the point in this. If all I feel is death awaits, then why am I still awake? Why hasn’t the pain just stopped? Why can t I get past the haunted face of you? I wish I was gone but can’t finish the job because there’s way too much at stake. If I succeed, the pain might stop, but the sadness rebirths like a virus destroying the people I love. It’s not all about me, but I want all about me to not be so I can be happy, I think. If happiness is nothing, then I want to feel nothing. The hanging truth is my hanging truth. Fuck why am I still here? Why am I this messed up inside? Why does every moment feel like it should be my last? Why did he leave me? Why did she leave me? Why did they all leave me? Why do I feel this way? It hurts to breathe then I light another cigarette. What kinda thought process is that.
Sober living, sober sinning, sober depression. Suicide whispers its calming lies. I crave love so I can hold on to something and someone. My children hate me, I made mistakes, but I needed help! I tried my best. I really did. I’m not a bad person, I promise. I’m so sorry you felt unloved. If you could see the love I have for you….it doesn’t matter. If I don’t get you back, I don’t think I can go on. It’s the sad reality of how my brain works. If you just knew how much dad loves you. I wish I could say this is not how depression works. It eats your insides, devouring your heart. I can’t even isolate anymore, too much to do, too many lives to save, too many people not ok just like me. I hope they never feel as bad as me. I hope they see some light at the end of their depression. I’ll stay back and help the stragglers. No man left behind. “you coming, Josh, we’re almost there.” “Go ahead. I’ll be right there.” I turn and go back into the darkness where misery lives and suicide whispers.