I want to talk about suicide for a minute. I have all the topics people have sent me, and I appreciate them, and I’m slowly hitting each one. I have them written down as they come in. I need to talk about this right now because suicide is a very sensitive and important topic that should be discussed more often. Plus, I struggle with suicidal thinking often and more frequently since my mind is still adjusting to this new way of dealing with things and life in general. First off, to be clear, I am not a bad person because I’m struggling with this. I’m also not weak or lack the ability to know what’s right and what’s wrong. If you struggle as I do, you understand my pain and how my mind works. For the rest of you, let’s talk. I deal with alcoholism, major clinical depression, social anxiety, and PTSD. My alcoholism is in remission, as well as my social anxiety. My major clinical depression and PTSD is a fight that I fight every single day. It beats me down, tears me apart, and leaves me feeling worthless and weak (physically and mentally).
Sleeping is an issue. I mostly can’t sleep, or I sleep too much; there is never an in-between. Suicidal thoughts run rapid in my head. I don’t want to die; I just don’t want to be alive. The pain and overwhelming sadness that constantly wreaks havoc on my life gets hard to bear, and all I think about is that I want it to stop. Yes, medication helps, and therapy, but it doesn’t take it away. All it does is makes it easier to deal with by giving me better, clearer thinking and teaches me coping skills, warning signs, and prevention techniques.
The medication and therapy work, but I am ultimately the only person that can change things. In the end, I decide to live or die. Suicide, they say, is the easy way out, but I say if it was so easy, then why can’t I do it. I don’t think anyone that struggles with suicidal thoughts feel that committing suicide is an easy thing. To be at the point that you have had enough and the pain is so bad and the sadness weighs a thousand pounds is a hell most cannot relate to. I have seen things that can break the strongest of people and been through things that make me seriously not understand how I’m still alive. I have had death invite me to his party many, many times. I do believe in God, but we argue a lot. I know he loves me, and I feel his presence today as he spoke to me through someone else who didn’t know me or knew what I was going through. God did this publicly so I would know it was him. He let me know how special I am and that he was not finished with me yet.
I don’t know if I’ll ever beat these mental illnesses, but I refuse to stop fighting. Yes, I fall a lot, but I am only human. I could sit here and tell you I am ok and fine every day, but if I did that, then I’m lying to you, and I refuse to do that. I know there are people just like me suffering because I talk to them daily. When I get that message at five in the morning saying, “I need help, I can’t go on any longer.” I know I need to do what I can to help; it’s my calling in life to help others suffering from mental illnesses. I know how it feels, and I never want anyone to feel the way I have and do now. Just because I suffer doesn’t stop the fact that I can help someone else. Just because I’m broken doesn’t mean I can’t help put someone else’s pieces back together. If you suffer out there like I do, please know you are not alone. Someone understands your pain. We need to help each other, and we need to spread awareness to others. Suicide is not the answer, and I know that it is easier to say than it is to believe that to be true. We are stronger than we think. We can beat this with proper help and by showing kindness and compassion not just for others but also for ourselves.
Suppose you are suffering or see someone suffering by noticing warning signs like talking about wanting to die. Feelings of tremendous guilt or shame or being a burden to others. Feeling empty, hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live. Being extremely sad, more anxious, agitated, full of rage, and have unbearable emotional or physical pain. You could notice changes in behaviors, such as making a plan or researching ways to die and withdrawing from friends, saying goodbye, giving away essential items, or making a will. They might be taking dangerous risks such as driving extremely fast and displaying extreme mood swings. Eating or sleeping more or less and using drugs or alcohol more often. If these warning signs apply to you or someone you know, get help as soon as possible, mainly if the behavior is new or has increased recently. You R not alone! It’s ok not to be ok! Call a helpline or call me or send me a message. I’m usually available 24/7 on Facebook.
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