As I sit here and reflect on my sobriety and I have relapsed yet again. It’s so hard, the guilt, of being around people who are sober and knowing I could at any moment be a part of taking their sobriety away. It feels like, at this point, I have no one to turn to. The pain of knowing you could throw someone’s life away at any time is so heavy, and yet not worrying about your own life. With a heart too big, I sit and think sometimes it is the worst gift I was given. I fear rehabs and sobriety so bad because of the physical and mental pain. I tend to try to cling to others who seem as they are doing okay and know I am only hurting them. I question, are they hurting because they want to use it too, or because they care? I miss my days of sober living. I sit and realize how much I could handle back then. If I was only sober now, I could deal with the situations I have been dealt with now much easier. I could do it; I know I could. Now, not so much, though. Tears constantly flow, and I put my pain on others. How is it even fair? They don’t deserve the anger and the pain. Why would I even think it’s okay to turn to these people. People say just stop. If only it were that easy. The nights If can I even call them since I cannot sleep longer than 4 or 5 hours without being sick. Dreams so vivid I am not sure if I am in withdrawals or dreaming. Am I sleeping? Who is talking to me? Who are these people? I then will get up, struck with anxiety and vomiting, chasing my next drink, all while trying to even keep them down. How did it lead to this? How could I even go back knowing these consequences? How? Some people think it’s self-pity, but they don’t know this is my way to survive. The only way, It makes me feel normal for a short period. I think I surround myself with anyone, just not to be alone. I want to hear all their problems, so I know I am not alone, yet closing my eyes knowing that I am hurting them, all I am trying to do is help. That’s where the big heart comes in. I can even admit mine is so cold from the rapes and beatings I took on with my addiction. I recognize it all. So why am I still doing this? The physical pain. At times I wish I had another drug of choice. Why this one? I can go anywhere and pick it up. I am the mother of three children. one being a daughter. The constant fear I have that she will pick up this habit, and I can do nothing at this point to help her. Never did I think I would have to sell myself for a habit. I never thought I would have three beautiful children and let them go; the pain of Knowing I gave up as I continue to sit here with a drink. My last relapse made my son, my right hand, give up on me, I fear for the last time. Since then, I have had suicidal thoughts. As I take another sip, crazy right, I would never wish an addiction like this on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I pray to God every morning as I am slumped over a sink; please take it away without all of the pain. Please, without a hospital visit. Anything but that. And my brain runs more and more. How can this even be life? Is mine about to be over? I forgot about God for a moment, and then I pray yet again. My heart, is it even mine, or for everyone else? But from my heart, that is so big, yet so cold; I pray alcoholism and mental illness are something that never happens to you. As I take another sip…xox




One thought on “TEARS IN A BOTTLE

  1. I realize you are having a very difficult time. Any addiction is tough to break. I was addicted to prescription pain killers, Oxycodone and Fentanyl. I wasn’t able to do it by myself. I had my GP and psychiatrist admit me to the mental health ward. With their help I broke the addiction.
    Setbacks are part of life and sometimes it is easier to beat ourselves up.
    I will be thinking of you and I will say a prayer or two that you will find strength. You have already taken a step by recognizing your setback.


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