Depression fueled by the negative thinking of self, the constant thought that I’m not good enough, that ill never be good enough for anyone. I love so hard, but I can’t love myself. Why? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I fight a compliment? Why am I blinded by this sadness that drizzles over me like a never-ending storm that only I see? I know the truth about myself, but I can’t accept it because I feel differently. Am I crazy like my head tells me I am? Why can my heart go into someone else so much that it hurts? I think I love harder than most because I know how fake love feels, and I never want someone to feel that way, and I genuinely care about people. When I say I love you, you better believe that’s the truth. I am brutally honest, and I don’t half-ass stuff; I go hard in everything I do. I went hard in my addiction, went hard in my recovery, and still am, which will never change even if I fall. So I guess, why should it be different with love. Is it a bad thing? Should I just stop caring? Should I just give in to the fact that I can’t love this way? It’s unhealthy, and that my heart will be broken into 1000 pieces every time. Why does that feel so wrong in its self? I want to be loved the way I love, but is that even possible? Can anyone even understand the way I love. I have a feeling love will be what kills me. It only makes sense I can’t even understand how to love myself, so how can anyone love me, and that will destroy me? It will be too much; it already is. I love someone, but I can never expect them to love me, so what I just walk away. That makes no sense to me. I can’t just stop a feeling like that, and there is nothing I can do about it but watch as my heart breaks and it will, and I can’t seem to cope with that. I have to though. I can’t make someone love me, and as I said, I’m not even sure that’s possible. My life is such an open book, and that’s okay with me because I want to let others know that the way they feel, someone else understands. Let it be about love, mental health, anything really. I get that is an act of courage that lots of people don’t have. I chose this was what I wanted to do, and I know the consequences. I just pray it does what it is intended to do. I pray to help as many people as I can before my time on this earth is over. So this was a brief look at how I love and why I think love is my silent killer. Thank you, everyone, for reading my writings and thoughts. Even though I have no privacy by choice, I truly feel blessed to share with you. If no one told you they love you today, just know I love the hell out of you, and I’m excited for you. I’m indeed your biggest fan.