Depression fueled by the negative thinking of self, the constant thought that I’m not good enough, that ill never be good enough for anyone. I love so hard, but I can’t love myself. Why? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I fight a compliment? Why am I blinded by this sadness that drizzles over me like a never-ending storm that only I see? I know the truth about myself, but I can’t accept it because I feel differently. Am I crazy like my head tells me I am? Why can my heart go into someone else so much that it hurts? I think I love harder than most because I know how fake love feels, and I never want someone to feel that way, and I genuinely care about people. When I say I love you, you better believe that’s the truth. I am brutally honest, and I don’t half-ass stuff; I go hard in everything I do. I went hard in my addiction, went hard in my recovery, and still am, which will never change even if I fall. So I guess, why should it be different with love. Is it a bad thing? Should I just stop caring? Should I just give in to the fact that I can’t love this way? It’s unhealthy, and that my heart will be broken into 1000 pieces every time. Why does that feel so wrong in its self? I want to be loved the way I love, but is that even possible? Can anyone even understand the way I love. I have a feeling love will be what kills me. It only makes sense I can’t even understand how to love myself, so how can anyone love me, and that will destroy me? It will be too much; it already is. I love someone, but I can never expect them to love me, so what I just walk away. That makes no sense to me. I can’t just stop a feeling like that, and there is nothing I can do about it but watch as my heart breaks and it will, and I can’t seem to cope with that. I have to though. I can’t make someone love me, and as I said, I’m not even sure that’s possible. My life is such an open book, and that’s okay with me because I want to let others know that the way they feel, someone else understands. Let it be about love, mental health, anything really. I get that is an act of courage that lots of people don’t have. I chose this was what I wanted to do, and I know the consequences. I just pray it does what it is intended to do. I pray to help as many people as I can before my time on this earth is over. So this was a brief look at how I love and why I think love is my silent killer. Thank you, everyone, for reading my writings and thoughts. Even though I have no privacy by choice, I truly feel blessed to share with you. If no one told you they love you today, just know I love the hell out of you, and I’m excited for you. I’m indeed your biggest fan.
One thought on “LOVE – MY SILENT KILLER”
A very heartfelt one! Sometimes, we earnestly love someone, who seems to be uncaring. We offer and give everything to them but nothing in return. And it’s true we became dismayed. But only to realize that love is unconditional like God’s love to us. Let us love ourselves first, it is one way of loving others so well. Keep on sharing your thoughts! You have a mind pondering ideas!🥰
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