DESTRUCTION OF SELF

My mind struggles with thoughts of a silence that promises me freedom and the false hope of no pain and a permanent escape. Free from depression and self-hate. Oh, how I have longed to feel that I’m finally okay. That feeling of worthlessness haunts my every thought, clouding my better judgment, destroying anything good I’ve ever accomplished. The tears of depression fill the empty bottle that was once full of dreams to be forgotten. Now drunken with more hatred of myself than ever before. The devil sits next to me, hungry for more. He whispers the cure over and over, diluting my mind with ways to prepare for the hanging I’ve so long been waiting for. He tells me it’s the only way that I don’t matter anyhow. I rock back and forth, trying to block his voice, but it gets louder and louder. I think of how I’ll drift off into a peaceful black hole of nothing if I’m successful. The depression weighs heavy on my soul, so rich that not even the strongest of men could hold it alone. I thought the alcohol would work as it has for so many years, now my body just craves more with each empty bottle, never getting to the point of forgetting. I don’t really want to die; I just don’t want to be alive. To live day by day with a sadness so powerful that it seems impossible for any person to bear. I blackout only to wake up and self-destruct even more.
Depression is so powerful, and if not treated properly, it will cause more severe life-threatening consequences. I was so depressed I couldn’t function. I couldn’t take care of myself, let alone anyone else. My own mother was terrified. She was looking into nursing homes because she didn’t know what else to do. She thought that I was going to be this way for the rest of my life. After three suicidal episodes and a desperate cry for help, people came into my life that understood my struggles. They didn’t judge me and helped get me the proper treatment. I wish I would not have gotten as sick as I did, but I’m not ashamed of it. It’s not like I chose to have mental illnesses. I am grateful I went through all the pain I endured. I know that sounds weird to hear, but it is true. I’m a stronger person now. I still struggle daily, but I’m fighting every day with therapy, medications, and a support team that loves and cares about me. Now I get to share my experience, strength, and hope with the world. I spread awareness to as many people as I can, shutting down the stigma out there with a message of hope and speaking for those who can not. They often want to but just don’t know how to do so. Many are afraid of the consequences of standing up to whomever and fighting on the front lines saying, “this is a problem, and I’m going nowhere.” I am never going to stop what I do. This is a bigger problem than most people think. People are dying every day, and it is hardly talked about. If it is, the blame is usually put on the person that passed away. Saying so and so overdosed or committed suicide or was shot down because they were waving a gun around and not making any sense. Most of the time, it doesn’t even make the newspapers. They rarely ever say they were suffering and sick from a mental illness and never got the proper treatment. They automatically deem them as crazy, a druggy, drunk, selfish person, or immoral person. Hopefully, my blog and speaking out about mental health awareness will help change this stigma society has created about mental illnesses. If you or someone you know struggles with a mental illness, make sure you are talking about it with your medical provider, counselor, therapist, and loved ones. If you have no one to talk to, contact me, and I will help guide you in the right direction or just chat if need be. It’s okay not to be okay, and remember -You {R} Not Alone.

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4 thoughts on “DESTRUCTION OF SELF

  1. Suicidal thoughts are not very fun. What gets me through them is Christ. I figure, I live for Christ or I die for Christ. I’m prosperous with Christ, or I’m poor with Christ. I understand that suicidal thoughts are a sin, and so is alcohol— But, we all sin. That’s the thing I tell people. We’re all guilty and fight our demons, so we need to stop judging one another and start building one another up.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand where you are coming from, but I don’t believe personally that alcohol is a sin. Many people drink socially and are fine, Jesus turned water into wine. Churches all over sip wine in communion. There are just some that cant drink and it’s due to proven medical reasons. With suicide yes we all sin, but God forgives all sin even that if you believe in him. Every pastor or mentor I have talked to agrees. With suicidal thoughts, your brain is fighting any rational thinking, and telling you this is a cure that will take away the pain. The stigma that your a bad person, because you have suicidal thoughts, is not true. The person is suffering from a mental illness and needs proper treatment. I don’t push religion on anyone, what they believe is their choice and I will never judge. Sometimes even the talk of religion will turn a person away that needs real help. I believe what I believe and pray for others hoping they find peace in whatever they choose to believe in.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve found, in my own life, when I think a suicidal thought—because I’ve had them occasionally—I get really depressed, until I confess it to the LORD. Then, after confessing it, I feel the weight lifted.

    I understand what you mean about pushing religion on people, but Jesus is very real. And he’s not there to condemn people. If you could look into my life, you’d see a lot of sin, and all of it is forgiven. There’s nothing therapy can do that Jesus can’t. There’s power in Jesus to uplift, heal, embolden. He can sap our fears and pains away from us. I’ve even seen Him heal the blind and deaf.

    I’m not against medicine or finding help. I’m just saying that we all sin, and when we do, the best thing to do is to take it to the LORD. He’ll uplift us, and heal us, and build us into better people.

    That probably sounds superficial, but it works.

    Liked by 1 person

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